I'm not sure

If being strong

Is saying you're fine when you're not

Or admitting defeat 

Is this loneliness or is this love

I think they've begun to be the same thing

I am not fine

Lately my poetry has consisted of hatred and sadness
Mixed into bloody snow and crystallized tears

White porcelain thrones
And empty stomachs

Why can't I seem to form the words
"I am not fine"

Why do I block you out
Why cant I be vulnerable.

Why can't I say
I
Am
Not
Fine

Battles

I've always been good at fighting battles
In my head
Under my bed
On my wrists
In the midst
If crowds and books and memories

And the enemy has always been me
And the other side filled with the past

But the worst battle was the one when I was fighting
You

"I love you"

Show it

Stand up and scream that I am worth it

Take a risk
And jump
Because that's what I did for you
Every bone in my body told me to run away
But I tumbled down the mountain and found yu

Please. Help me fight this battle
Because I can't do it on my own

Knots (song)

Let's start at the end of the story
Where everyone loses their minds
And no one wants to red this fairtyale
This  happily ever after failed

You wove yourself into my being
Till I couldn't tell where I ended and you began
I'm starting to get the feeling
I need to cut ties
I need to cut ropes
I need to cut the threads

What is this knot in my chest
Why can't I break it apart word by words
Breath by breath
I'm bleeding out
Holding my heart in my hands
You walk away
And don't look back


How did we end up here
Building walls we promised to leave behind
And I never meant to sink you farther
I'm sorry I'm a dead weight
A heartbreak
A flame that's not a fire

What is this knot in my chest
Why can't I break it apart word by words
Breath by breath
I'm bleeding out
Holding my heart in my hands
You walk away
And don't look back...

You said I love you to the moon and back
But I guess she always was your star 
And I'm floating in the space between your lies and the truth
Holding my breath
Holding my tears
Holding back death

What is this knot in my chest
Why Are there bullet holes in my breast
I'm bleeding out
Holding my heart in my hands
You walk away
And don't look back

untitled

stop

stop

stop reminding me

stop

please

s

t

o

p

shut the black hole that replaces your mouth

the moving lips

beautiful, angry eyes

stop

stop the demons

i feel them too

I FUCKING FEEL THEM TOO

i am so empty

what the fuck is this

this isnt poetry this is reality

and i am done

butterflies

i love you

and hate you

at the same time

and i’m still wondering how that can be

you are not neutral

neutral (adj)

• neu·tral

1. taking no sides

fuck your neutrality

you aren’t switzerland

although you are just as cold

i don’t understand your hatred

your loyalty to one person

your hatred

i am not your punching bag

you cannot go from hurting yourself

to hurting me

i am not an object you can go to war with

stop denying

that you aren’t as good as you think you are

you are not neutral

neutral is not calling me a fuckup

attention seeking

shit friend

neutral is not taking your anger out

on a helpless victim

neutral is not you

you are NOT neutral

I need

i want to create worlds

with my fingerprints on faded keys

i want to read thoughts

through eyes filled with tears

i want to lift weights

off tired shoulders

i want to chase demons

from silent victims

i want to cook

for those who cannot eat

i want to save

those who believe they can’t be saved

i could go on

but i don’t know how long it would take till i said;

i want to love myself.

This is not a sub post

killing me slowly

is your hobby, it seems you’re always

ready for a fight.

sure to tell me i’m wrong and i’m done being

told i’m not good enough for

everyone

not good enough, to know you

pretty sure you’re talking about me right now

over and under these burned bridges

ugly lies and even uglier truths were revealed

lnsides were burned like my wrists

on top of everything you just made yourself

so unlikeable, i’m sure someday you’ll regret making people feel alone.

-----------------------------------------------------

sadly, you’re just fueling her fire

and youre “sass” is just

rude and disrepectful

all of your words are hurtful

mean is how you act

under your scarred skin is a soul as black as the night that surrounds the stars

leave me alone. please.

honestly, you’ve hurt me more then you’ve helped

em? don’t fucking call me em.

real friends can call me em

not you. goodbye

4:01 am

It's a minute past 4

And I've been awake for three minutes

But I've become so full of you

That these words are pouring out of me

Trying to fathom my emotions into meager sentences,

Is impossible

How do I explain

That you were my moon

And we wrapped our love around the equator?

We ran through midnight holding hands

And chased butterflies

So Im done trying

Just like you don't try to stay

I'm trying my hardest to go

Please. Let me

dear _______,

i hope you know
i hope you know that i died a little inside,
every time i defended you.
i hope you know i shook, and tears poured down my face as i read that letter.
i hope you know i slid the blade over,
and over,
and over again
shaking. crying. completely overwhelmed.
shoved over the edge.
i hope you know that every time i smile, i crack a little more
i hope you know i'm broken
i hope you, of all people, will recognize it
i hope you will see the scars
i do.
i hope you will know why
i hope they realize how much it affected me
i hope they learn about the girl they tormented
i hope they will realize how they took my heart that day and speared it on the table
under the fluorescent lights.
i hope they understand that they took my lifeline,
and drowned it along with me.
i hope they learn
i hope you learn.

sincerely,
Emma

April 28

Today I had a nervous breakdown.
I sat on the bathroom floor and tried to throw up. I was freaking out to the point of making myself sick. I was shaking. Couldn't see straight. So overwhelmed I was mumbling and scratching myself. Digging my nails into my skin without even noticing.

What has become of me?

Isn't it silly

Isn't it silly?
The only time I ever feel pretty?
Is when my arm drops blood and drips tears?
How funny this fickle world is.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Mirror mirror on the wall
I wish I could be skinny and tall
Make him see me differently
I wish I could be pretty

Razor razor on the shelf
Dress me up
-do me well
Help me forget the pain and anger
You are, you are, my anchor

Knife, knife in the drawer
Help me try on my favorite scars
No one could ever love me more
The blood rush is my only joy

Heart, heart, help me feel
Dont lock me up
Show me what's real

Mind,mind, set me free
I know I'm ugly
Don't you see?
I'm not worth loving
Everyone is blind
Seeing through closed eyes

Body, body, why so ugly?
Scar and fat covered mess
Don't you see you'll never be pretty?
Throwing up won't make it end.

Why

Why does everything remind me of you?

Why do I care so much?

Why do I miss you?

I'm not supposed to love you- I'm supposed to love him

Even besides the fact, I'm not good enough for someone as incredible as you.
Why do i try at all?
-E