during

none of the lights are on
i hate the light, when I'm feeling this dark
i all i can see are the beads of black rising to the surface.
My cries turn to sobs.
for life.
-cut-
for him.
-cut-
for what i do to myself.
-cut-
for never being perfect enough.
-cut-
It's a mad swiping
over
And over
Trying to draw more blood. The more blood, the better it will be, right?
in my mind,
the blood that flows is my pain.
i'm soaking it up
letting it leave
it's gone
it won't hurt me again
i can breathe
shaking now.


i want him to know how much it hurts that he looks and laughs with all the other girls, and writes for all the others, and sends them emails, and gives them hugs, and smiles, and writes them solos, and compliments them, and ask them how districts was, and looks at them, and talks to them,

moms voice cuts through my shaking
"when is your rehearsal on wednesday??"
it takes me a second to control my voice
"6:30"
"what? JUST LET ME IN"
"NO. 6:30"


no mom
you cant find out.
not now.
not like this.
you don't want to come in to see your daughter
tear stained
blood covered

no.
this is your worst nightmare,
and i love you to much
to see me like this.

my head clears
and my emotions are shoved back to neutral

everything comes back into focus
and its heart-breaking that
hurting myself is what it takes
to heal.