dear _______,

i hope you know
i hope you know that i died a little inside,
every time i defended you.
i hope you know i shook, and tears poured down my face as i read that letter.
i hope you know i slid the blade over,
and over,
and over again
shaking. crying. completely overwhelmed.
shoved over the edge.
i hope you know that every time i smile, i crack a little more
i hope you know i'm broken
i hope you, of all people, will recognize it
i hope you will see the scars
i do.
i hope you will know why
i hope they realize how much it affected me
i hope they learn about the girl they tormented
i hope they will realize how they took my heart that day and speared it on the table
under the fluorescent lights.
i hope they understand that they took my lifeline,
and drowned it along with me.
i hope they learn
i hope you learn.

sincerely,
Emma

April 28

Today I had a nervous breakdown.
I sat on the bathroom floor and tried to throw up. I was freaking out to the point of making myself sick. I was shaking. Couldn't see straight. So overwhelmed I was mumbling and scratching myself. Digging my nails into my skin without even noticing.

What has become of me?

Isn't it silly

Isn't it silly?
The only time I ever feel pretty?
Is when my arm drops blood and drips tears?
How funny this fickle world is.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Mirror mirror on the wall
I wish I could be skinny and tall
Make him see me differently
I wish I could be pretty

Razor razor on the shelf
Dress me up
-do me well
Help me forget the pain and anger
You are, you are, my anchor

Knife, knife in the drawer
Help me try on my favorite scars
No one could ever love me more
The blood rush is my only joy

Heart, heart, help me feel
Dont lock me up
Show me what's real

Mind,mind, set me free
I know I'm ugly
Don't you see?
I'm not worth loving
Everyone is blind
Seeing through closed eyes

Body, body, why so ugly?
Scar and fat covered mess
Don't you see you'll never be pretty?
Throwing up won't make it end.

Why

Why does everything remind me of you?

Why do I care so much?

Why do I miss you?

I'm not supposed to love you- I'm supposed to love him

Even besides the fact, I'm not good enough for someone as incredible as you.
Why do i try at all?
-E

Don't

NO
IT IS NOT OK.

Don't tell me I'm perfect,
When I've inspected my my every flaw underneath a microscope

Don't tell me I'm amazing,
When I've ripped and torn apart lives, including my own, just by existing

I
AM NOT OK

Don't tell me I could get any guy,
When he will never look at me that way

Don't tell me

Don't tell me

Don't tell me

Don't talk to me

Don't force me

Don't judge me

Don't ignore me

Don't hurt me

Don't love me

I'm not worth loving anyway

ring around the rosy

ring around my wrist
a life full of twists
tears fall, blood drips,
we all crumble down

during

none of the lights are on
i hate the light, when I'm feeling this dark
i all i can see are the beads of black rising to the surface.
My cries turn to sobs.
for life.
-cut-
for him.
-cut-
for what i do to myself.
-cut-
for never being perfect enough.
-cut-
It's a mad swiping
over
And over
Trying to draw more blood. The more blood, the better it will be, right?
in my mind,
the blood that flows is my pain.
i'm soaking it up
letting it leave
it's gone
it won't hurt me again
i can breathe
shaking now.


i want him to know how much it hurts that he looks and laughs with all the other girls, and writes for all the others, and sends them emails, and gives them hugs, and smiles, and writes them solos, and compliments them, and ask them how districts was, and looks at them, and talks to them,

moms voice cuts through my shaking
"when is your rehearsal on wednesday??"
it takes me a second to control my voice
"6:30"
"what? JUST LET ME IN"
"NO. 6:30"


no mom
you cant find out.
not now.
not like this.
you don't want to come in to see your daughter
tear stained
blood covered

no.
this is your worst nightmare,
and i love you to much
to see me like this.

my head clears
and my emotions are shoved back to neutral

everything comes back into focus
and its heart-breaking that
hurting myself is what it takes
to heal.

before

im crying.
tears hit the keys,
exploding.
slipping water baloons.
mom enters.
she teases me about that boy.
can she not see my pain?

its too much.
i call kyra
-don't do it-don't do it- don't do it-
i try to talk my emotions out,
but it's not working.
my voice is rising,
cracking,
every pause physically draining,
-don't do it-don't do it- don't do it-
every shake,
every breathe,
-don't do it-don't do it- don't do it-
a pain.
she tries to help,
but she isn't as affected.
or doesn't show it.
i can't stand this.
-don't do it-don't do it- don't do it-


but i know i will.

i tell her i need to hang up.
-don't do it-don't do it- don't do it-
 that voice is getting weaker.
my will getting stronger

i dry my face, and walk into the hall
-knock-
mom's inside.
i lie, force a smile into my voice
"i just need to use the bathroom"
i'm getting so good at lying.

i slow back into my room,
sit there.
thoughts racing.


-knock-
"honey i'm out"
"thanks mom"


i practically fly into the room.
reach into the drawer for the razor.
the razor i purposefully broke when i was cleaning the bathroom.
the one i quickly dragged across my skin, then threw in the back of the drawer.

the one i've been thinking about since that day.


a clean start.
no tallies
new scars
this is the life
of the scarred

-E

dear daddy,

i never see you. you're never here and i know thats not your fault, but its hard.
and when i try to go to you, to talk to you, you're not there.
like last night. i was trying to tell you something,
and you sat on the couch, nodded, and turned up the movie.
why?
maybe your just like everyone else
caught up in this nice fake reality in which everyone is fine. and no one needs saving.
which is ironic.
because thats your job.
to save people.
and here,
your own daughter,
is screaming at you to save her
and you're turning your head.
again.
why?
i need you
i need you really badly

mom over reacts. she doesn't know how to listen, and you're the one person who can.
but you never give me the chance
the last conversation we had,
was about me giving you money,
so you could buy groceries for dinner.

how do you see me?
am i even 14 to you?
or am i 18, 20, 25?

i am still young.
i still need you.
i still need to feel wanted.
i need my dad to wrap his arms around me and tell me its ok.
not my best friend.
not my best friends mom.

i need you.
you and mom

open.
your.
eyes.

give me a chance to open up to you
i've been shut down so many times,
i don't even know how to talk to you about anything that is important

"how was your day honey"

"fine"

and then i go to my bedroom for hours.

you don't check on me.

if you did,
maybe i would stop what i was doing.
maybe i wouldn't feel so lonely.
maybe i would feel needed.
from my own family.
maybe i could be strong.

but i'm not.
and you don't even recognize it.


-Emma

Pain

What is pain?

Is it the blade?
Is it the scar?
Is it the shame?
Or is it the bar?
The bar of expectations
That is set too high
Doesn’t anyone know,
A caged bird can never fly?

Is it your smile?
Is it your fear?
Is it your looks?
Or is it your tears?
Your simplistic trials,
You expect me to see
How spilt milk makes you sad,
When its been finally set free

Your blindness to the truth?
Your fear of what’s real?
Your jokes that are told at
the expense of one small girl?

The signs I am sending,
The scars, billboards flashing.
Displaying all the signs,
But you’re never watching

What is pain?
Pain is never ending
Pain is all I’ve known
Pain reminds me
That I am all alone

And the melodies I breathe are not songs,
They are cries.
For caged birds can never sing
nor fly

-E

If

If you knew my mind,
You wouldn't ignore my signs
If you opened your eyes to me,
You'd see all my pain and grief

If you tossed all your doubt aside
And looked through un-filtered eyes
If you saw the words I cry,
You wouldn't stand idling by

You would realise the words you say
Make bruises that won't fade away
And as much as I'd like to believe,
I know you will never see clearly

So behind a smile I hide.
And disguise the tears I cry.
With every faked "I'm fine",
There's a little girl who dies inside

But life is not an if
It's whens, and where's, and whys.
When will I be happy?
Where will I get in life?
And why am I hiding my cries?

If you knew my mind
You wouldn't ignore my signs.
If you understood my pain
I wouldn't be fading away

-E

friends

i have a friend.
a couple actually,
they help me through
my darkest times.
and i sometimes wonder,
if i thank them enough
for all they do
to keep me alive

i have a friend.
a special one specifically,
who's mind works like mine,
is much wiser than i am,
and has much more patience than i could hope to own.
sometimes,
i worry,
i scare him completely,
because he is the only one
-who i feel
can see my soul.
he saves me daily.

i have a friend.
more like a sister,
who knows everything,
   -whether i like it or not
about me.
she keeps me up,
helps me grow.
who sometimes doesn't know how to handle
this mess of a girl,
but never ceases to try.

i have a friend
oh. what a friend.
he makes me smile,
makes me forget,
understands,
knows,
 but ignore's what is blatantly before him.
but i dont care- its just his way
and he should know
he always makes my day

i have a friend
more then a friend?
who is ignorant,
but what i need.
who i need.
who i miss.
who i need.
who i hate.
who i love.
who imperfectly completes me.


i have a friend.
a couple actually,
they help me through
my darkest times.
and i sometimes wonder
-where i'd be
if i didn't have them
in my life.

my advice

someone told me
"why are you depressed. you have no reason to be. it just annoys me...."


i was shaking


and i emailed a friend who said this


"The general message he's attempting to convey is just. You really do put yourself down too much. What is fundamentally wrong is that he's annoyed at the fact that you're depressed. That's just stupid. And... stupid. He wants to see you happy, not because he doesn't like you but because he does. He wants to see you happy even if you're not. He wants you to pretend, and to be fake with all the hypocricy in the statement.
He thinks he understands much more than he does, and he takes on people with nothing but thin latex gloves, confident the skin on the palm of his hand will hold to the flesh, but in reality, people are not simply people. They are scales and stones, and shards of glass and ice, and silk and clouds and rain.

Don't get me wrong, aaron is still an ass. What he said isn't any better. But here is some light shed. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling inspired.

He's ignorant. That is all. 

In fact, so was your friend the other day. The quote he spat out at you was truly misunderstood. While i understand you were in need of a bit more warmth and maturity, he meant it for the best. He was ignorant to the bluntness of the statement, and that is what threw you off. You shouldn't feel angry at all the ignorant people. Feel frustrated, disturbed, shocked. But there is so much ignorance to the world. If you respond with such fire you will reduce yourself to nothing but ashes. Pity the ignorant, and if you want, illuminate their horizons a bit. Everyone is a little ignorant, a little shallow. Some... more than others.  

Don't beat yourself up. 

Hope you feel better. "


i dont deserve his friendship
and i hope he understands how much he means to me.


he is also a writer.
see his works here
needsomemoresleep.wordpress.com 

Blood

I want you to see
My wrists
The slits that dripped not blood but tears
The eyes that flooded with pain and fears
The absolute absence that I felt
Because of the words you wrote out
The stiffness, the coldness, the fact that you
Are never the same
Or ever will be

Forever gone
Never mine
Forever gone
Forever gone

I want you to see
my wrists
The slices that bring me back to focus
The pain that cuts right through the fog
I used to turn to music for peace
But that's long passed, the prologue
Because of the absence that I felt
The feelings I knew I could never let out
I'm tired of constantly hurting others
now I'm paying you back
by hurting myself

It feels good
It feels wrong
But it's the only time I ever feel right
In the midst of this never ending fight.
This constantly degrading blackened night

Blood brings the sun.
Blood brings the day.
Blood washes all
my sorrows away.

-E

I want you to try

The hardest thing
Is knowing
That if you knew
You'd change

But I want you to love me
Because that's how you feel,
-Even though it's hard.
And not because
You fear.

-E

Why

The love you said was never ending
Is falling apart in my hands.

It's crumbling and I can't do anything.
I'm watching my life fall through my fingertips.

-E

Fears drip by tears

you don't speak
we don't speak

I'm afraid I'm dying.
hovering in the dead space between consciousness and the black that will come to sweep me away

I feel as if I haven't been awake for months. Years.
this constant hovering.
always covered by fog
masked by smiles
you were my silver lining when things got too dark

you told me I was perfect. I smiled and played along. If broken is the new perfect and sad the new happy then maybe I'm normal.

but no

you don't know anything
dont realise my dyer situation
don't realise how close I am

to the edge

If you knew
Would I just become a pitied girl? Would you love me out of fear? Or run? Run from this mess of a girl you were never meant to love.
I'm sorry im not normal
I wish I could be perfect, for you.
I've tried
And this is where I am. Here we stand

Me. On my knees. And you. Unaware. Innocent. Pure. Perfect.
How could I ever think I was lucky enough to have you?

You are innocently blind to my fears.
-E

The Fury of Devotion

A stupid girl, naïve and dreaming

Finds a boy

A hopeless crush

She tells herself

That he’s not worth it

And yet she’s always first to blush

What have they done

You worthless child

He’s not your world, your sun.

You cannot hide

Behind your words

Until you have no place to run

Just tell him the truth

He needs to know

What if he’s always felt the same?

And then again

What if he laughs

Could you ever stand that kind of pain?

She knows him to well

His lines are void

Is he scared of the truth that he hides?

Is it worth it, dear boy

For you to push her away

When she loves you despite your disguise?

Her love has meaning, caring, dreaming

Yours, deceiving,

Never believing.

Is that what you want

Or is that what they tell you

An untold lie, to rationalize leaving.

The girl is me

The boy is you

Keep on telling your lies.

And every tear

Is a part of my heart

Shattered pieces screaming goodbye.

Yours truly

Yours forever

Don’t forget me, as I will never.

My heart is yours

It beats for you

But it doesn’t matter whatsoever.

Living life

Without pretending

Telling myself it isn’t you

Is admitting to myself

That happy ending’s

Don’t come true

A stupid girl, naïve and dreaming

Found a boy

A hopeless crush.

She curses her heart

The one he stole

And wishes it didn’t hurt so much.

-K

eyes

I walk away from you

With every step a clearer view

But those eyes

Those eyes

See right through mine

My tears and my shame

My emotions change

But don’t judge, don’t judge me

I know you wont

I hope you wont

But those eyes

Those eyes

Those green and gold eyes

Stare me down

Break me down

Those shining stars you’ve got for eyes

See mine

See right through mine

-E

lifeline

Tears fall

Glistening

They’re Diamonds in the rain

Smoke fills my eyes

And I can’t hear

I can’t see you.

Those hatchets you call words have every effect on me

But I can’t let it show.

No,

I’ll lock my emotion behind broken windows

Windows that used to look out onto dreams

Every dash of hope I let blossom,

You crushed beneath your narsisistic feet.

Your whines

Cries

And lies

I live every day in doubt of a tomorrow.

I can’t live with you

Can’t live without you

Will someone throw me a lifeline


-E

Second grade love

Every time I open my mouth and speak
You shut me out

Every time we come to a consensus to agree
You shut me down

I love you
I loved you

But those words are too big for you

We are older then kindergarten,
bigger then this playground
So why do you insist on a second grade crush?

-E

Interrogation

Please.
Please.
Close those boxes of light.
Please
Please
Help me to answer right.
He didn't do it! I want to scream but I cant speak. Not a sound. Barely a shake of my head. A nod. Are my words going to sentence us both? Is that one motion enough, for either side? To sway the pendulum that is their thoughts to one decision?Why is it always me?
Please
Please
You don't understand
Please
Please
I was floating....

But now I'm sinking again.

-E

Happiness

The rooms dim
And they're staring
But I don't care
It's been 3 months.
The movies playing....
They're laughing.
but me
With my head on your shoulder,
Holding onto your arm, you playing with my other hand...
Foreheads together....
Heaven on earth.

-E

Small things

I'll never forget.
The way you hold my hand
The way you know when I'm sad
The look that tells me your not ok
The way I know everything your thinking
Your fears
Your insecurities
The way you wore purple to everything because you said it reminded you of me/ it looked best on me
The notes we'd pass in between class
The way you wrapped your arms around me
The way you always make me share a seat
The brush of your lips on my hair
The tender way you said you cared
The way you know when I'm really scared
You'd said you always be here for me
Where did always go?
The way we'd bump hands and you'd stroke my fingertips before letting go
The stare that I could feel even In a crowded room
How safe I used to feel sitting next to you
The staring contests we had at lunch
The way you always called me beautiful
Told me to sing for you when you were feeling down
Stuck by me never let me down
Even when you knew he wasn't the one for me
The way I know what color your beautiful eyes are
The way it feels to run my fingers through your hair
The hugs that light me on fire
The sparks that fly through the air

-E

lies

I push everyone away

Because I can’t trust.

Contrary to what mother tells me, which is not to dismiss people.

But after you burn yourself, you don’t jump back into the burning building,

Unless there’s something of worth.

But if I left it in the first place,

Obviously I don’t care anymore.

And sadly

This world is so twisted. And I never realized.

Till’ I was the one tangled in its lies.

-E

why do i try

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother trying to save him.

He just hurts me.

And I use all my time, all my energy, to keep him alive, and when he’s well enough, he just strikes me down.

He’s fishing.

And I’m not about to fall for the bait.

I’ve learned my lesson.

I’ve swam this small pond so many times,

And fallen for every trick

Too many times

To fall for it again.

I’m swimming

And swimming

Trying to find an exit

That won’t kill him.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find an escape.

Cuz’ pretty soon I’ll just stop trying.

-E

decide

No.

I won’t say I’m sorry.

Because its worth it to learn how to be on my own

And yes

I still miss you

But it’s your choice don’t go back on your word

And I can live with one or the other but you cant decide.

So make up your mind

Make up your mind.

-E

what is love

have you ever learned, that sometimes love isn’t even enough.

Or do you still believe the lie that love fixes everything.

Because I’ve learned the hard way

You can love all you want,

But when you the person you love is so far gone

There comes a point, when it doesn’t matter anymore

-E

you

The sun disappears when you're gone
And shadows fill my world from the outside in
Come back and remind me
What it's like to dance in a field at sunset
To see stars twinkle and be amazed
To feel proud
To feel happy
To fall in love. To live in a hazy world where the only thing in focus is you.
When Nothing matters but to get through every obstacle in the way of me being with you

You look my way and I remember.
every joyess moment the world has ever seen
And I smile.
You're everything i need
And I mean it this time.
For this moment.

Because I've grown. And when you grow your needs change.
I don't need forever. I don't need perfect. I don't need popular.
I need you because you're perfect enough.

Just you.


-E

the fury of you

The fury of  you

I try to hide

You know that I can’t

There is no escape from you

You’re everywhere I go

Everywhere I look

You.

A ray of sunshine in the dark

Like a lighthouse

Calling

Beckoning me

to safety

But there is always a catch.

A black to a white

A dark to a light

A bad to a good.

Love you

Hate you

Petals cover my floor

You love me

You love me not.

Will this vicious cycle never stop?

I say no

You don’t believe me

Think you know me

Better then myself.

You engulf me

Like a desert sandstorm

Can’t breathe

 Can’t see

 Can’t hear

Can’t feel

All there is

Is you.

You

You.

Blue turns grey

Grey turns black

Sunshine fades away

Clouds in their place

And still

There is you

You

You.

Never leaving

Never fading

Ever present

Pulling me under

A sweet

Cool

Relief

That turns to

Hurt

Will I always have the strength

To fight

You

You

You?

Will I always want to?


-E